This is my
testimony of my journey to becoming a woman of Grace. The journey has not
been easy, but it is wonderful to experience freedom in Christ and to know He
accepts me fully-warts, hang-ups, and all! |
My parents
were sound, moral people who brought us children up to live right. I was born
and raised in the |
I
recognized my lack of Bible teaching and so responded and accepted the
powerful, dynamic presentation of the Seventh-day Adventist doctrines which
appealed to me: an honest-hearted, pliable, obedient seeker of true Bible
knowledge. When I was in my late teens, in 1973, my heart was stirred by the
Holy Spirit to receive my Lord as my Savior. I remember the joy that flooded
my soul as I can personally say, heaven came down to me. At that time I was
baptized into the Seventh-day Adventist church. |
I sought
the Lord. I went to SDA college. I majored in Religious Education and
prepared to teach. I never wavered in my zeal to know Christ personally and
to spread His Word as I had been taught. I served in many capacities at my
local church from youth leader to deaconess, and I even worked at the conference/mission
office for a short period. |
I read,
studied, and used Ellen G. White's Spirit of Prophecy books as a guide for
every area in my life. I used The Conflict of the Ages Series and The Morning
Watch commentaries for my private devotions, Messages to Young People for
teenage counsel, The Adventist Home as a marriage manual, Child Guidance for
a child-rearing reference, and Counsels on Diet and Foods to justify and
defend my vegetarianism. Other books such as Education, Evangelism, and
Colporteur Ministry have been among my favorites, too. |
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Life in Disarray |
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To the
best of my ability I lived up to the church standards and adhered to the
doctrines, always trying to do better. All I wanted to do was to live an upright,
godly life regardless of what went on within or without the church or
denomination. |
Yet my
life was constantly in disarray; I had no peace in my soul. As the years
passed, the level of cognitive dissonance increased. I was confused. I picked
up some subtle but strong messages; sometimes they were spoken, but more
often they were not. For example: to be saved eventually, a person has to
understand the doctrinal facts of Adventism correctly; growing in Christ
meant knowing and explaining the prophecies; we were never to question or
require accountability from leadership-they were hierarchy; non-Sabbath
keepers who have heard the Adventist teachings should join the church and
keep Sabbath, or they'll be lost; be aloof and separate from other denominations
except to give them the third angels's message". |
As long as
I read, studied, and followed the Spirit of Prophecy counsel, my life was
going nowhere. I felt more and more frustrated by never being able to measure
up to the standards and by obsessing about my shortcomings. |
I knew
many wonderful, sacrificial, hard-working, zealous, conscientious Adventists,
but they all seemed to lack spiritual maturity and an understanding of GRACE.
They tried to sound excited, but I could sense their struggle as they
"hoped to make it." As seasoned (old) as they were, they displayed
a critical, judgmental spirit. Few demonstrated any inner joy or peace. |
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Truth and Lesser Light |
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I had been
taught that we Adventists had all the "truth" because God gave the
church the Spirit of Prophecy-Ellen G. White. Therefore, for years, I was
extremely cautious and afraid to listen to our read anything that came from
anyone but an authorized Adventist. |
But if we
had all the "Truth" and EGW was always right, didn't that make us
infallible? Didn't the Roman Catholic Church ( |
I was
taught the Roman Catholic Church teaches extra-scriptural doctrines. Proudly,
I boasted about Adventists being "sola scriptura". But no
conscientious Adventist, I realized, would deny that EGW's writings are the
main source of study references-even more than the Bible. |
If I had
said that I didn't care for the Spirit of Prophecy or Ellen White, I would
have been deemed blasphemous. I had one question: why does a person need the
lesser light (Ellen White) when they have the greater light-the Bible? |
We claimed
to proclaim "God's Last Day Message." If Jesus were here today, I
believed, He would certainly attend an Adventist church on Sabbath. I felt
pride at being among the spiritual elite. We condemned other denominations as
"law breakers" and "second class Christians". We even
mocked and dismissed them as having cheap grace and "Jesus only,"
while Adventist have the "Meat of the Word"-the Investigative
Judgment (the concepts of which keep the vast majority of the members in
fear), diet, and the law. |
Yet in
spite of having the "Truth", most of us Adventists suffered with an
insecurity complex. |
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Of Doctrines and Coldness |
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I had an
unhealthy obsession with Sabbath. This subject overshadowed almost everything
else, especially Christ and the life-changing reality I should have
experienced. I hardly ever heard the Holy Spirit mentioned; it seemed to be a
foreigner in church. We talked and sang about the Spirit and the
Christ-centered life, but the focus for most of us was Sabbath and the
impending doom of the National Sunday Law. Sabbath was, I believed, the Seal
of God. |
What did
it mean, I sometimes wondered, when scripture says God anointed us and set
His seal of ownership on us and put His Spirit into our hearts as a deposit
guaranteeing what is to come? Also, if we make a thing or day more important
than the Creator and the Holy Spirit, is this not idolatry? |
Some have
observed that coldness and harshness is indigenous to Adventist
congregations. I haven't been everywhere, but I have lived both inside and
outside the |
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Years of Fear-and Release |
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Fear and
defensiveness characterized my almost 26 years as an Adventist. The fear was
like a prison that boxed me in. I felt that as long as I attended church and participated
politely and quietly, I was assumed to be okay. I became tired with the
political maneuverings and fights about issues that really did not matter to
the heart of God. My fears were like giants in my life that I had to struggle
with constantly. These were the fears of being rejected, of not measuring up,
and of losing my salvation. I even feared being judged and condemned if I
were to be open about my struggle to know whether God loved me personally. I
masked these fears by appearing belligerent and outspoken. I wore a tough
veneer, all the while crying out from inside, "God, please love and
accept me! I want to be good! I want to know You. I want to love you. If You
are in control, why is my life such a mess? Why is the church such a mess?" |
In the
fall of 1998 I attended an Episcopal Church retreat. I was amazed at the
clarity with which the members expressed their relationship with Christ. |
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An Episcopal church? No way! |
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Yet I sensed
the Holy Spirit begin stirring within me then. I was at the end of my rope,
and I felt like I was drowning when a furious storm from hell hit my local
church. God somehow used that diabolical fiasco in my church to break my fear
of leaving Adventism. In September, 1998, at a local church board meeting, I
watched a conference official wield arrogance, intimidation, shame, and
control as weapons against the church members. The cold, harsh attitude and
schemes that prevailed that night repelled me. |
As the
storm raged in my church, God showed me that my fear could be used to honor
Him. My fear is no longer a chain around my neck; it became courage to
conquer the giant. |
I finally realized
I could leave the Adventist church. God has affirmed me. I know I have been
facing many giants-criticism, advice, disapproval from friends-yet I can walk
confidently in the Spirit. God is supplying my needs for affirmation,
appreciation, encouragement, and more. |
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Christ My Focus |
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Now Christ
is the focus of my attention. I have begun to understand, experience, and
witness what being kind, forgiving, gentle, patient and unconditionally loving
looks like in the Body of Christ. These things are in bold contrast to the
insecurity and fear of losing my salvation that I lived with as an Adventist. |
Ironically,
my critics are those who've been my friends. Many of them know and admit the
blatant, ungodly administrative practices in the church. They experience
confusion, unease and emptiness in their Christian walk. Yet they prefer to
live in denial than to examine the errors and contradictions of EGW with
scripture. Others cling to the church, believing it is their responsibility
to change things with their influence. A few are afraid of losing their
cherished jobs. These people are the same ones who encouraged prospective
members to trust God if they lost family or jobs over the Sabbath issue. |
My
assurance of salvation has given me a joy and peace I NEVER had before. It
has brought me into a closer walk with Christ. I can say, "I AM
SAVED!" I am awed and amazed that He cares about me in a deep, personal
way. For the past eighteen months I have seen God's transforming power surge
through my whole family. Our spirits have come alive. |
God has
pursued me over the years, trying to show and teach me His ways. He is the
Rock of my salvation. I can now say with deep conviction, I am uninterested in
being a Seventh-day Adventist. I cannot return to spiritual mediocrity. |
I am
walking in the Spirit who seals us in Faith Alone, by Grace Alone, with
Christ Alone. Praise God from Whom all blessings flow! |
I love you,
Lord, and I lift my voice to worship you; Oh, my soul, Rejoice! |
Hallelujah! |
"You
are God's workmanship, created for good works which God prepared for you in
advance." Ephesians 2:10 |
|
Erma Bmorgan Toussaint |